This Used To Be My Playground was released in 1992.

Not long afterward, Madonna released “This Used to be My Playground.” It expressed how I felt every time I visited the home where I grew up. I cried before and after each visit. I sometimes wanted to drive my car off the nearest bridge after leaving 1467 Morningside Drive.

That summer, I was living in Chapel Hill and dating Jason, a Clemson football player doing an internship in Raleigh. It was just a summer love affair for both of us, but it helped us pass the time.

That was the same summer that I received a card from Thaddeus. He had written a very long poem about a songbird learning to fly. The envelope included my name and address, but my name wasn’t on the card. He and I had a falling out over a letter I wrote to him when I tried to express how I felt about him possibly giving me HIV. He didn’t like what I had to say and stopped communicating with me.  I loved the poem and was grateful he tried to reach out.

In addition to dating Jason, I also hung out with my new friend, Samuel. Samuel was from Lumberton, North Carolina. He was a Lumbee Indian. Samuel was gay and had a tough time accepting his homosexuality. Sometimes, Samuel would knock on my door late at night, and we would sit on the front porch and talk for hours. A lot of our conversations were about our families. He no longer spoke to his father. He said that if his father ever found out he was gay, his father would kill him. Samuel meant that to be taken literally, his father would murder him.

One weekend during the fall of 1992, Samuel and I played phone tag. We had a difficult time getting in touch the entire weekend. We were finally able to reach each other that Sunday night. He was calling me from his parent’s house, in his old bedroom in Lumberton. I didn’t understand why he had gone home on a Sunday night, considering that he had to work in Chapel Hill on Monday morning. I didn’t question him. We talked about everything but nothing in particular. Samuel seemed perfectly fine that night on the phone. We laughed and joked for several hours. We said our good nights and hung up the phone around 1:00 AM.

That following Wednesday, I went out for a beer, and as soon as I walked into a local bar, the owner grabbed me and took me to the back room. He said, “Did you hear about Samuel? He killed himself Sunday night. He took an overdose. He was at his parent’s house!” I told him about our conversation. We both concluded that I must have been the last person Samuel talked to before he took his life. I didn’t know how to feel about that.

“This used to be my playground this used to be my childhood dream this used to be the place I run to whenever I was in need.”

I wondered if Samuel was HIV positive, and he never told me. I became angry that he gave up and stopped fighting. After all, he deserved it just as much as anyone else. Thoughts of suicide were still a big part of my daily routine, but hope and faith always helped me get to the next day, the next hour, and the next moment.

It was at that point that I decided I was going to fight for my life. I sat down and started writing a story about me falling in love with Thaddeus. The story was also about my coming out and the challenges of growing up gay in a predominately straight world.

As I wrote the story, I could feel Thaddeus’ presence. I wanted to call him, but I didn’t. Right then and there, I decided the story would be my Christmas present to my loved ones.

Writing the story was my way of fighting back.

BACK | NEXT

THIS USED TO BE MY PLAYGROUND

This used to be my playground [used to be]
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need
Of a friend
Why did it have to end
And why do they always say

Don’t look back
Keep your head held high
Don’t ask them why
Because life is short
And before you know
You’re feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don’t hold on to the past
Well that’s too much to ask

No regrets
But I wish that you
Were here with me
Well then there’s hope yet
I can see your face
In our secret place
You’re not just a memory
Say goodbye to yesterday [the dream]
Those are words I’ll never say [I’ll never say]

This used to be my playground [used to be]
This used to be our pride and joy
This used to be the place we ran to
That no one in the world could dare destroy

This used to be our playground [used to be]
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
I wish you were standing here with me

This used to be our playground [used to be]
This used to be our great escape
This used to be the place we ran to
This used to be our secret hiding place

This used to be our playground [used to be]
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
The best things in life are always free
Wishing you were here with me