Hung Up was the first track from Confessions on a Dance Floor in 2005.
It had been four months since Madonna performed at LIVE8 and released Hung Up. You would have thought that by then, I would have been able to find a job, get my place, and start my life in Portland. Well, that didn’t happen. I was most definitely hung up.
“Time goes by so slowly for those who wait / No time to hesitate / Those who run seem to have all the fun / I’m caught up / I don’t know what to do.”
I discovered that moving to Portland without knowing anyone was one of the most challenging reincarnations I’d taken on, especially at my age. The reason it was so scary was that I was middle-aged, I didn’t have a lot of money, and the unemployment rate in Portland was the highest in the country. I wasn’t highly qualified in my field, making job prospects even more difficult. I knew from the beginning that I had put everything, including my pride, faith, and well-being, on the line with this move, but I still took the risk. Even with the challenges that Oregon presented, it was better than staying in DC or sweating my ass off in Florida. I knew from the beginning that this journey would teach me new things. My adventure did not come without challenges.
Several challenges came instantly. I arrived in Portland on May 24th, and between that time and the end of September, I moved four times. I left my first rented room because one of my very young housemates became somewhat of a stalker. I left the second place because my rented basement had mold and mildew problems. After that, I had no option but to move a third time and ended up across the river in Vancouver, Washington, where I lived with a guy I had befriended at a local nightclub. He worked in Alaska for two weeks out of the month and needed someone to watch his place while he was away. All of this moving around was very unsettling. It shook my faith.
During those first few months, I met some lovely people. Portland didn’t have a great nightlife, but the people were amiable and down to earth. It was a different mindset from the East Coast.
Completely different! Just as I started feeling like I didn’t fit in, I met Benjamin. He was originally from Florida and moved to Portland in 1997. He lived in the downtown area. We hit it off instantly. It was nice to meet a guy from the East Coast. Benjamin introduced me to the Oregon Coast, Silver Falls State Park, and my favorite destination, Rooster Rock State Park, located on the Columbia River at the mouth of the Columbia River Gorge. It was a park where both straight and gay people went to frolic naked in the sun. This place was magical and my cup of tea.
Benjamin, who was part Cherokee Indian and part French and who had a massive tattoo of the Pleiades constellation on his back, attended a sweat lodge in the Oregon countryside once a month. He and his friends gathered to give thanks and pray for healing. As he told me about his experiences at the lodge, I shared my visit to the National Museum of the American Indian in Washington, DC, and my experiences while driving across the country. With that, Benjamin asked me to join him during one of his sweats.
I attended my first sweat lodge on August 20th, 2005.
After we arrived at the lodge, I met the medicine man who led the ceremony. One by one, I was introduced to each participant. One of the guys gave me a hawk feather. The medicine man sat beside me and told me I should run the feather over my ears and eyes. By doing so, I would be able to hear and see the messages of the Creator. He then made a blanket for my feather. He placed my feather in the cloth, blessed it, and handed them both to me. They were mine to keep. I felt very honored and excited to experience yet another aspect of metaphysics. Native Americans have always been tuned into the energy of the earth and cosmos and carried great respect for all living things.
Soon after the medicine man blessed my feather, all participants lined up to enter the lodge. The ceremony was about to begin. While they disappeared into the lodge, I spent the night around the fire. I wasn’t ready to do the actual sweat. Being in an enclosed, dark environment that was extremely hot and humid didn’t appeal to me. It was one of the main reasons that I left Florida.
About an hour into the ceremony, the full moon appeared over the horizon. It was beautiful. It came up between two Douglas-Fir pines silhouetted against the night sky. While taking in the full moon, I heard prayers and singing from the lodge. It was the medicine man singing in his native tongue. My mind then drifted to thoughts of my visit to the American Indian Museum in Washington, DC, the Native American CDs that I played during my drive across the country, and my experiences in South Dakota, Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming, and Idaho. I felt this was a continuation of those experiences; I knew they were all connected. I honestly felt like this was my welcoming ceremony to my new home in Oregon.
Benjamin and I spent the rest of that weekend together, and three days later, he left for his 30-day vacation in Paris, Tours, Bordeaux, and Barcelona. Before he departed, we arranged for me to sit in his apartment while he was away. Since living in Vancouver, I accepted his offer and put most of my things in storage. I moved a few things into his apartment. This relocation would be my fourth move in three months, my ninth move in a year. I wondered where all of this was taking me the entire time.
Benjamin returned from Europe on September 18, 2005, and I still had no job. He invited me to continue living with him until I could get on my feet. So here we were, the two of us living in his large studio apartment together, waiting to see if an opportunity would come my way. Benjamin was very generous, and I was very grateful for his hospitality.
The following Friday night, September 30, I attended another sweat lodge with Benjamin and a friend of Benjamin’s, Mariam. This time, after consulting with the medicine man, I decided to participate in the second half of the ceremony. I was not ready to do the entire ritual. I knew that once I was inside the lodge, it would be dishonorable to come out if the heat was too much for me. If I exited the lodge before the end of the ceremony, that would break the circle and change the energy. I didn’t want that to happen, so I felt comfortable agreeing to participate in half of the ceremony. Then, something incredible happened. The medicine man honored me by making me the stone handler.
After everyone had entered the lodge, I was assigned the task of moving twenty-one red, hot stones with a pitchfork from the fire to inside the lodge. Each heated stone was about the size of a cantaloupe. These glowing rocks were used to heat the enclosure. Steam filled the tent with intense heat by pouring water on the rocks. After I relayed the last stone, I crawled into the lodge. The flap was pulled down, and we all were shut off from the outside world. It was completely dark inside. The medicine man poured water on the rocks, and the second half of the ceremony began.
The medicine man told me to pray for my family and elders during the ceremony. Then, everyone in the lodge was allowed to give thanks, share a personal story, or pray. I chose my words very carefully. I spoke only of my spiritual connection to my mother. Near the end of the ceremony, I could hear drums and a rattle in the lodge as the medicine man was singing.
Interestingly, there were no drums or rattles anywhere near the lodge. It was as if they came from heaven or the other side. It was a fantastic experience, one that I will never, ever forget. The medicine man, Paco, retired a few months later and moved to southern Oregon. I would never have the opportunity to experience another sweat lodge with him.
A week after my last sweat lodge, Benjamin and I were having lunch downtown when a guy who looked just like Levi walked by. I could only see the back of him as he was walking down the street. It made me think about him, and I searched my feelings to see if I was still in love. I discovered that I continued to love him and wondered where he was and how he was doing, but I decided I would not try to contact him. I sent him loving energy through the universe and asked God to spiritually deliver my message to him. Something about autumn ignited those feelings of being in love within me. It was the time of year that I met Thaddeus, and it was the time of year that I met Levi. I was still hung up on Levi, but that wasn’t necessarily bad.
A few weeks later, I returned to the East Coast to be with my family for Christmas, and Benjamin and I met in DC for New Year’s. Benjamin and I brought in the New Year at the club Nations, and the big hit of the night was “Time goes by…so slowly, time goes by…so slowly.” The DJ kept playing this intro as the clock approached midnight. We had a great night that night.
After the New Year, I headed back to Oregon. I had just finished my six-hour train layover in Chicago and was crossing the plains of North Dakota as I looked back on everything that had happened in 2005.
- I spent the winter of 2005 in West Palm Beach, Florida, living with a Buddhist and visiting the Everglades National Park.
- I left Florida and drove up the East Coast and across the country, where I visited Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone, and the Grand Tetons.
- I moved to a city I had never been to, attended my first Gay Pride in San Francisco, spent my summer in the Columbia River Gorge, traveled to the Oregon Coast, and visited Mt. Rainier, Seattle, Washington, and the Washington Coast.
- I attended a couple of Native American sweat lodges, spent a week in Ashland, and then took a first-class, cross-country train trip from Portland to North Carolina.
- I spent my holidays with my family and friends in North Carolina, Gatlinburg, Tennessee, and Cherokee, and I finished the year with Benjamin in Washington, D.C.
I had stepped out on faith, experienced many new things, and visited many new places. And miraculously, I could do all of this and still not accumulate much debt. I was fascinated.
I returned to Portland on January 5th, 2006, and continued living with Benjamin. Shortly after my return, Benjamin and I went snowshoeing on Mt. Hood and hiking at Horsethief Butte in Washington.
I had accomplished everything I had set out to do except find a new job. I had created a new life for myself in Oregon, and now all I had to do was find a job to complete my adventure.
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HUNG UP
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you
Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate
Those who run seem to have all the fun
I’m caught up
I don’t know what to do
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
I don’t know what to do
Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you
Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you
Ring ring ring goes the telephone
The lights are on but there’s no-one home
Tick tick tock it’s a quarter to two
And I’m done
I’m hanging up on you
I can’t keep on waiting for you
I know that you’re still hesitating
Don’t cry for me
’cause I’ll find my way
you’ll wake up one day
but it’ll be too late
Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you
Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you
Every little thing
Every little thing
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Waiting for your call
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
So slowly’..
I don’t know what too do
Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you
Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you
Every little thing
Every little thing
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Waiting for your call
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you
