Nothing Really Matters was the sixth track from the “Ray of Light” CD
On the morning of July 31, 2007, I drove Dolos to Tillamook, Oregon, to begin his five-day “Spirit Quest” with the LightSong School of Shamanic Studies. The following Sunday, August 5, I returned to pick him up. I was supposed to pick him up at 3:00 PM, but I was so excited to hear about his quest that I arrived in Tillamook three hours early.
After eating lunch at a downtown diner, I drove out to where I had dropped him off the week before, about fifteen miles outside of town. It was 1:30 PM when I drove through the second gate and onto the grounds where the quest occurred. The camp was about a mile beyond the second gate, so I stopped at one of the small campgrounds to walk around and spend time in nature. I brought my camera so I could take photos.
“Nothing really matters, Love is all we need, Everything I give you, All comes back to me”
After I parked beside one of the picnic tables, I got out of the car and walked over to the bridge, which crossed a small stream. I took several photos from the bridge and continued to explore my surroundings. I eventually found a path leading down to the Trask River and decided to follow it for what must have been several hundred yards. Some trees along this path had to have been several hundred years old. They were covered in thick moss and felt a little spooky. I felt as though I was walking through a magical forest. A small garter snake crossed before me as I continued down the path.
Snake offers the following wisdom: Elusiveness, Manipulates lightning, Transmutation, Exploration of the mysteries of life, Primitive or elemental energy, Protection from religious persecution, Goddess energy, Psychic energy, Creative power, Immortality, Connection to or forms the magic cord by which the shaman travels to the soul world.
Around that time, I took the photo of the tree below.
I continued down the path until I came to an overlook, which extended over a large pool of water at the bottom of a short waterfall. From there, the water ran down into the Trask River. I climbed down the bank and walked out onto the river’s banks. I couldn’t believe how clear the water was. The river appeared to be very clean and healthy.
I then decided to climb back up the river bank, but this time on the other side of the waterfall. As I reached the top of the waterfall, I read a sign that read “Salmon Spawn Survey.” I realized that the large pool of water was a place where salmon came to spawn every spring. As I reached the top of the small waterfall, I paused momentarily and took in all of the natural beauty surrounding me. It was stunning.
As I took my next step, I slipped and fell into the water. My expensive camera came from around my neck as I hit the ground and bounced across several rocks until it finally ended up in the water, right in the middle of the waterfall. Startled, I immediately jumped up, chased my camera down the waterfall, grabbed it from the water, and removed the battery and photo discs. I knew at that point that I ruined my digital camera.
I began my walk back up the path to Dolos’ car, completely soaked and mystified as to what had happened. I thought more deeply about what had just happened and, for some reason, didn’t get that upset about my camera. That was unusual for me. I’ve always been very protective of my camera. It was 2:00 PM, and I still had another hour before I was supposed to pick up Dolos, so I decided to drive across the bridge to move in just a little closer to camp. I spent the next hour working on my camera and airing it with the car’s air conditioner. I thought if it dried out, it just might work again.
At 3:00 PM, I drove down to where the questers and their supporters were. When I arrived, one of the questers shared his experiences with everyone. They smudged me and had me sit. I sat and listened to Nicodemus tell how he spent his four days on the river bank without food or water and all the messages he received during his quest. After everyone told their stories and the closing ceremonies, Dolos took me on a quick tour of the grounds. I had never seen him so excited about anything as he was about this experience. I could tell that a significant transformation had taken place.
Nicodemus walked by while we were touring the grounds, and Dolos introduced us. Dolos then told me that Nicodemus had one of the most beautiful spots during the quest. Coincidentally, it was the very spot where I photographed the tree. I told Dolos about slipping and falling into the water, ruining my camera, and how someone or something had grabbed it from around my neck and thrown it into the stream. I figured there was a connection between Nicodemus and me. Not only was I walking around the area where he did his quest, but I entered the camp while he was sharing his story. I realized then that I had been asked to sacrifice my camera because I was treading on sacred grounds.
After Dolos and I helped clean up, we spent several hours catching up on everything. Our two-hour drive back to Portland went very quickly. As soon as I walked into my apartment, I immediately checked my disc to see if the last photos taken with my camera were still intact. All of the pictures were there. There was this one photo that stuck out. It was the photo taken after seeing the snake and losing my camera. When I opened the picture, I noticed something extraordinary and exciting. I saw an image of a very stern face on the tree trunk. The face resembled the face of a Native American chief. As I studied the photo even closer, I noticed what appeared to be an eagle headdress above the face. The two branches on both sides looked like eagle wings on a totem pole. I shared the photo with the LightSong School of Shamanic Studies instructor and asked her to forward it to Nicodemus. I felt like the picture had an exceptional meaning for him and me. I concluded that losing my camera during this adventure was a sure sign that I had outgrown that particular camera, and perhaps there was some transformation right around the corner.
At this point in my life, I felt utterly mystified. The experience of loving Thaddeus and losing him to AIDS, coupled with the experience of being rejected by my family but still finding the strength within myself to look beyond their rejection and love them unconditionally, all meant something. Add those experiences to the many unexplained adventures that my relationship with my mother brought about, such as the 1-2-3 messages, and the spider and the hummingbird, I was beginning to feel as though I was living in some dream, or fairy tale. (No pun intended!) After I arrived in Portland, several people told me that most people move to Portland on a whim, as if they received a calling. I guess that’s what happened to me. Living in Portland certainly changed my life in many different ways.
Graceful Changes (Astrology Forecast) This influence represents an excellent opportunity for you to make changes in your emotional life and personal surroundings, such as your home. And you can make these changes without causing great problems and upsets, as might be the case at other times. Events may present you with opportunities to experience your emotions in a new way. You may begin a new relationship that will bring feelings you have never had before. A love relationship that begins under this influence will have a wonderful excitement that may be missing at other times. Existing relationships may also change so that they, too, allow you new emotional experiences. A situation may occur that brings up an event from the past so that you can examine it in a new light and change your attitudes toward it. By understanding the past differently, you will be able to change its effect upon you. For example, this may be an encounter with a female relative that clarifies and allows you to change your attitude toward something that happened in your childhood. You may have got into certain routines with friends and other people whom you see every day, with the result that you have not been experiencing them as they really are. Unconsciously adopted attitudes may have got in the way of seeing them clearly. This influence gives you the chance to recognize these attitudes and to change them. Consequently, you may experience your friends as new individuals. Take advantage of this opportunity to make graceful changes in your personal life. Now it will be easy to get rid of unconscious attitudes, habits, and routines that will be much harder to get rid of later on. | Copyright Astro.com
On August 7, 2007, the day before my father’s birthday, I experienced something strange. I don’t know if it’s tied to the spider and the hummingbird or the drumming at Horsethief Butte, but my sister called to share some news about her experience with my brother’s new wife, Minni.
The two of them got wasted, and Minni decided to share the fact that her baby brother was gay and had died of AIDS a few years back. I think Minni’s story affected my sister. At the same time, our Uncle Seth decided to make my sister the beneficiary of half of his estate. My sister, still a bit tipsy, called to tell me she wanted to divide those proceeds in half, leaving half to her grandchildren and the other half to me. I assumed she attempted to make up for what happened in the early 1980s. As she was explaining all of this, she apologized. I knew how difficult it was for her to do this. I was speechless. I told her that hearing her say those words meant a lot to me. I wrote my sister a letter the very next day, on our father’s birthday, telling her how much her words meant to me.
Lying on my desk was the birthday card my sister had sent me a few weeks earlier, and enclosed in that card was a photo of our mother, one we had never seen before. This photo was given to my sister while she attended the funeral of our Aunt Hena, our Uncle Seth’s wife. The picture fascinated me. My mother looked so happy and fulfilled in this photo. (See photo at the top of the page.) It was no mistake that I received the picture the day after Dolos and I returned from our drumming experience on HorseThief Butte.
On Sunday morning, August 12, five days after my sister’s apology, I woke up from an intense dream. In my dream, I was riding a bus, and as I looked out the window, I saw the house where I grew up as a child. I suddenly exited the bus and found myself standing in the front yard. I had no idea how old I was in this dream, so age wasn’t an issue. I noticed many gifts on the front porch wrapped in shiny paper and giant bows. Somehow, I knew all of these gifts were for me. I ran to the front porch and started gathering the packages, and as I was standing there with both arms full, my mother opened the front door. She smiled at me and told me to bring everything inside. I followed her into the kitchen and placed all the gifts on the kitchen table. When I looked at her, she appeared just as in the photo at the top of this page. As she was standing there beside the sink, she said, “How are you doing? You look terrific!” I said, “Mom, I’m doing great. Look, I have new teeth.” Then I smiled big. She smiled back, and it was at that point that I woke up. When I woke up, I was smiling. I soon discovered that dreaming of your teeth gleaming signifies happiness and fulfilled wishes.
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NOTHING REALLY MATTERS
When I was very young
Nothing really mattered to me
But making myself happy
I was the only one
Now that I am grown
Everything’s changed
I’ll never be the same
Because of you
Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me
Looking at my life
It’s very clear to me
I lived so selfishly
I was the only one
I realize
That nobody wins
Something is ending
And something begins
Nothing takes the past away
Like the future
Nothing makes the darkness go
Like the light
You’re shelter from the storm
Give me comfort in your arms