Why’s It So Hard was the eleventh track from the Erotica CD. I wanted to make a copy of this song and send it to each one of my brothers and my sister. Except for my youngest brother, he was always cool about me being gay.

I kept reflecting on how I felt Thaddeus’ presence while writing my Christmas story and simultaneously receiving the card from his mother. I believed wholeheartedly that his spirit was with me then, and I didn’t question whether or not it was true. I knew his spirit was with me.

Writing the story about Thaddeus and me was very liberating. It felt good to put my feelings on paper and share them with people I loved, even though they struggled to understand my reasoning. It was the beginning of the fight for my life. I would write many more chapters over the next several years, and when it was all said and done, I completed over 400 pages. I desperately needed my loved ones to accept me as the person I was, not as the person they wanted me to be. And my challenge was to accept them for the people they were, not as I needed them to be.

“I’m telling you brothers, sisters why can’t we learn to challenge the system without living in pain.”

At this point in my life, I sat down with my God and asked another crucial question. “Why was I born into this environment?” I didn’t hate my loved ones, but we were at such an impasse.  I knew other gay people who had completely different experiences coming out. Why couldn’t I have that? Why couldn’t I have the love and support that those other gay people had? I also knew that being accepted as gay in the 80s, for the most part, was a rare thing, no matter where a person grew up.

In January of 1992, someone new came into my life that would be responsible for helping rebuild my soul. I had experienced several reincarnations by 30, but this rebirth felt auspicious.

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WHY’S IT SO HARD?

Why’s it so hard to love one another
Why’s it so hard to love
(repeat)

What do I have to do to be accepted
What do I have to say
What do I have to do to be respected
How do I have to play
What do I have to look like to feel I’m equal
Where do I have to go
What club do I have to join to prove I’m worthy
Who do I have to know

Chorus:

I’m telling you brothers, sisters
Why can’t we learn to challenge the system
Without living in pain
Brothers, sisters
Why can’t we learn to accept that we’re different
Before it’s too late (first time only)
Why’s it so damn hard (all other times)

What do I have to learn to know what’s right for me
What do I have to know
What am I going to do when I feel righteous
Where do I have to go
Who should get to say what I believe in
Who should have the right
What am I going to do with all this anger
Why do I have to fight