Secret was the second track from the Bedtime Stories CD.
Joel and I had some fantastic times together. I helped him get a summer job at the American Dance Festival ticket office at Duke University, allowing us to attend most of the summer dance festival performances. Pilobolus was always my favorite dance troupe. Dance continued to be a big part of my life, and the dance floor queen continued to write the soundtrack to everything positive and negative. My relationship with her music was undeniable. It not only gave me strength but inspired me on so many levels. Her music fed my soul.
Rewind: Let’s go back to 1990 for a moment. After landing my job at Duke University, I was trying to find an apartment in Durham and had heard about a local guy who owned many rental properties in the area. I called his office and made an appointment with his sales manager, Lucas.
I knew Lucas and I would be friends the moment we met. Long story short, Lucas and I became close friends during my six years in Durham/Chapel Hill. We spent a lot of evenings and weekends together. We played Nintendo, listened to 80s music, or watched bad movies. He became my gay brother. You wouldn’t have known that Lucas was gay when you met him. He was a huge flirt. And he had this laugh that reminded me of David Letterman; annoying but utterly infectious!
After knowing Lucas for a while, I got to meet his mother. She was from Lafayette, Louisiana. She had divorced Lucas’ father around the time we met. She was the most excellent person you’ve ever wanted to meet—a little “out there” but very nice. The longer Lucas and I hung out, the more we became brothers. Lucas had a slight addiction to alcohol, brought on by his emotional relationship with his father, but overall, he was a great guy. Lucas and I didn’t hang out on the nights that Lucas got drunk. I gave him his space on those nights.
Lucas had a little secret, and not until 1993 did I discover that he was HIV positive when he started showing various symptoms. Lucas was very private about the whole situation. We didn’t talk a lot about it. Time passed, and he started getting to the point where he couldn’t care for himself, so he moved back to Louisiana to be with his mother. His move back to Louisiana prevented me from seeing the worst part of his illness.
Joel and I lived in a one-bedroom garage apartment that summer; by then, Lucas had already moved back home. I kept tabs on him through his mother. One day, out of the blue, she called me at work and told me I needed to fly to Lafayette immediately. She told me that Lucas didn’t have much time left.
“Things haven’t been the same since you came into my life you found a way to touch my soul and I’m never, ever, ever gonna let it go.”
Since I couldn’t afford a full-price airline ticket then, I contacted a friend who worked for US Airways. She was able to get me a “space available” airline ticket. I immediately went to the airport and tried to board the next flight to New Orleans. The ticket agent told me there were plenty of seats from Raleigh to Charlotte, but all the flights from Charlotte to New Orleans were completely overbooked. She told me to come back the following morning.
Joel and I went back to our apartment, and I became very anxious and decided to pass the time by playing the Nintendo game that Lucas and I had played so many times during our friendship. I kept praying that Lucas would hold on long enough for me to see him before he passed away. Joel could tell I was utterly distracted and somewhat out of it, so he gave me some space and left me in the apartment while I played Nintendo.
I sat and played Nintendo for several hours, thinking that as long as I could keep the game going, I could keep Lucas alive. I realized that this was a bit strange, but it was my way of staying connected to Lucas on a spiritual level. After several hours of winning, I began making several big mistakes, and suddenly, the game ended abruptly. “Game Over” flashed across the TV screen.
I immediately called Lucas’ hospital room, and a nurse answered on the second ring. I asked to speak to Lucas’ mother, and the nurse informed me that she had just left to go home; she said that Lucas had just passed away. I waited about ten minutes and then called his mother at her house. She told me about his passing, and we cried over the phone together. She said it was probably best that I didn’t make the flight; I would not have made it in time.
While I was talking on the phone with Lucas’ mother, Joel walked in with a bouquet. I immediately knew where he purchased the flowers because they were the same ones Lucas purchased every Friday for his fireplace mantel when he lived in town. I asked Joel what made him buy the flowers. He said he didn’t know what compelled him, but something told him to get them for me as he walked by. I knew the flowers were from Lucas. I thanked Joel for buying the flowers and delivering such an incredible, deeply spiritual message.
This experience was the second time I felt someone’s presence after their death. It was at this time I started believing in life after death.
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SECRET
Things haven’t been the same
Since you came into my life
You found a way to touch my soul
And I’m never, ever, ever gonna let it go
Bridge:
Happiness lies in your own hand
It took me much too long to understand
How it could be
Until you shared your secret with me
Chorus:
Something’s comin’ over, mmm mmm
Something’s comin’ over, mmm mmm
Something’s comin’ over me
My baby’s got a secret
You gave me back the paradise
That I thought I lost for good
You helped me find the reasons why
It took me by surprise that you understood
You knew all along
What I never wanted to say
Until I learned to love myself
I was never ever lovin’ anybody else
(bridge)
(chorus, repeat)
(bridge)
(chorus, repeat)
Mmm mmm, my baby’s got a secret
Mmm mmm, my baby’s got a secret
Mmm mmm, my baby’s got a secret for me
Mmm mmm, mmm mmm, mmm mmm