Live to Tell was the fourth track from the True Blue album. This song caught my attention, and it was at this point that I realized the connection between Madonna’s music and me. This song moved me on several different levels. It was during those days that I wondered if I had AIDS. I asked how long I had to live. I wondered if my family would ever understand what I was experiencing. Whenever the song got to the part “How would they hear the beating of my heart,” I thought of my family. Everything was uncertain during the spring of 1986. I didn’t think I would live to see my 30th birthday. I thought back to my conversation with God and wondered if this was what God had in store for me. Where was all of this taking me?
Thaddeus and I had many incredible times together. He was a great teacher, and I learned so much from him. We always loved making out in the wildest places, which made things exciting. It used to make me angry to see straight people making out in the parks, and we couldn’t even kiss each other without getting arrested or making a scene. It all felt so unfair, but sometimes, the sneaking around made it more exhilarating.
In the summer of 1985, things took a drastic change. More and more, we kept hearing about AIDS in the news, and more and more, I questioned if Thaddeus was infected. At that point, they didn’t have HIV tests, so no one knew if they were infected. He certainly did not show any symptoms, but I remember having this horrible dream about Thaddeus one night, which made me think that I should be careful. A few days later, as Thaddeus was approaching my apartment and as I watched him cross the street, my intuition told me that I had to stop seeing him right then and there.
I listened to my intuition and broke up with him soon afterward. The next several months were extremely difficult for me. After all, I had told the man that I had waited for all my life to go away. For the first time, I knew what loneliness felt like, and I was not too fond of it.
Afterward, Thaddeus and I ran into each other occasionally, and I became distraught every time I saw him. Everyone told me it was because he was my first, but I knew differently. I knew my love for him would last a lifetime.
“The light that you could never see it shines inside, you can’t take that from me.”
Thaddeus left NC in the fall of 1985. We got together one last time before his departure. We had lunch and talked. It was tough knowing that he was leaving town for good, but I could tell he was ready to get the hell out of North Carolina. Part of me didn’t blame him for that.
After lunch, he dropped me off at my apartment and headed out. To this day, I can still see his car driving down Spring Street and disappearing over the hill several blocks from my apartment. I ran inside my apartment and cried for several hours.
I felt very strongly that I was exposed to HIV. I just knew it was a matter of time before I would start getting sick. I wanted to run away but knew I couldn’t go far because I couldn’t leave my family.
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LIVE TO TELL
I have a tale to tell
Sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well
I was not ready for the fall
Too blind to see the writing on the wall
A man can tell a thousand lies
I’ve learned my lesson well
Hope I live to tell
The secret I have learned, ’till then
It will burn inside of me
I know where beauty lives
I’ve seen it once, I know the warm she gives
The light that you could never see
It shines inside, you can’t take that from me
A mind can tell a thousand lies
I’ve learned my lesson well
Hope I live to tell
The secret I have learned, ’till then
It will burn inside of me
The truth is never far behind
You kept it hidden well
If I live to tell
The secret I knew then
Will I ever have the chance again
If I ran away, I’d never have the strength
To go very far
How would they hear the beating of my heart
Will it grow cold
The secret that I hide, will I grow old
How will they hear
When will they learn
How will they know